whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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