three words: i give head
three words: not that well
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
