there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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