This is not my ceiling
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
