guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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