Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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