He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
