2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
