Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
