U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
