I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
