I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
