Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
