so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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