dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
