She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
