My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
