I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize