you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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