the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
