Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
