why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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