Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
