HIV tests are more positive than that guy
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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