i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
