This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i dont even know how to be here
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
