I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
