I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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