The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Randomize
