it's not cheating when I paid for it
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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