So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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