if i can run in heels then i can drive
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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