I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
