did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
