Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
