Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
