So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
