Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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