we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
