I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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