saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
