you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
