now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
