Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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