dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
