Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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