That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
