i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
