I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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