Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize