I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
