First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
