i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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