I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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