He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
