Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
