didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
