As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
