My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
