You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Threesome in a minivan. New low
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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